Sunday, April 25, 2010

Moose Knuckle

Sometimes I put my pants on in the morning and notice that they feel a bit tighter than I would like them to.  My immediate reaction is always the same - something along the lines of, "F*ck."  I try to reign in any negative thoughts about my apparent weight gain, lack of self control, etc. before my mind gets away from me, but usually that feeling of disappointment and those too-tight pants are on my mind all day.

I walk to work thinking, "Are they tighter in the thigh too? Oh God. They are tighter in the thigh!" I sit down at my desk and think, "Now I know nothing spilled over in the love handle area last time I wore these pants. Sh*t. I've totally put on a few pounds. Damn baking!" Sometimes I'll try to rationalize my way away from self loathing, because that is never a fun way to start one's day. If I'm in an otherwise good mood, I'll consider that forces other than my own weak will may be to blame for my too-tight pants. I'll think "Hmmm, I did just dry clean these pants," or, "I guess it's about that time in my cycle when I tend to get a little bloated."

I get mad at myself, go through a little denial, get mad at myself again and then I usually come back to a more rational place where I shake my head at myself and feel a little ashamed that I've wasted so much time and energy being concerned with the fit of my pants and whether or not I've gained a few pounds. I mean who cares? (Only I do.) Does it really matter in the grand scheme of things? (No, obviously not.) Do I not trust that I wont turn back into an overweight, squishy, chubby little kid? (This isn't a good indication that I have any faith in myself.) Are there not more consequential things I should concern myself with? (Absolutely.) Am I really this vain? (Yes.)

I always try to shake off all the negativity, maybe with a lap around the office or a few minutes of fresh air. But when I get up from my desk, I inevitably notice the pants are undoubtedly too tight. And if I'm really lucky, they give me a moose knuckle. Now that is no way to start the day.

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