Wednesday, December 12, 2012

BS Woman to the Rescue!

If I was a superhero, I'd be BS Woman: the incredible bullshitter. My magic power would be sprinkling more pleasant alternatives to harsh realities around like fairy dust. My motto would be "look on the bright side!" 
Unfortunately, I can’t promise BS Woman would effectively make the world a better place with sparkly BS; just a more palatable place. I'd use my magical dust to ward off evils such as uncomfortable realities, volatile emotional responses and unpredictable tragedies. The dust would magically transform the aforementioned into valuable life lessons, perspective and wisdom – all far easier to swallow than a general lack of control and "shit happens" explanations.
I think my costume might be a one piece suit with a butt flap, because I'm always cold but I also always have to pee so I would need a flap for convenience. Over my jumpsuit, I would throw something feminine and pretty but playful. Or I would go for something slightly ridiculous like a tutu. On my feet I would wear flats of course, but they would be unnecessarily expensive and impossibly cute to make me feel better about my back doctors issuing a permanent moratorium on sexy heels. I would keep my hair in a braid for sure; I don't take much time to style my hair now; I can't imagine how rushed I would be as a superhero.
My secret weapon would be a custom made set of cognac leather blinders- yes-like the ones horses wear. I would wear them as a headband for easy access. They would be crucial for times when life throws crap at you so fast that there's no time to "look on the bright side."
My bat mobile would be a smart car. Obviously. It would be red. And a convertible. With a special, extra loud and very goofy horn that I would honk all over the place just to make myself laugh.
My sidekick would be B, because his complimentary powers as Reality man would be invaluable. His secret weapons definitely qualify him as the Batman to my Catwoman. My favorite power of his is the smile that lights any dark space. My second favorite would have to be the hug that makes the world stop spinning. Oh and he has an incredibly loud, commanding voice. When shit starts flying and the blinders fail, he’d be the only one who can restore order and hope to a tainted world.