Re-imagined Sonoma Chicken Salad

While I believe proper nourishment deeply influences how we feel, look and experience life, I also know how difficult it can be to find the time to prepare three nutrient dense meals and snacks every single day. Sure, eating well lays a proper foundation for a happy, energetic existence, but sometimes you just. can’t. even. I spent last year trying to assemble the disillusioned pieces of a regional marketing team at a global company. Some days I rose as early as 430 am deprived of sleep and the wherewithal to do anything but put my face in a jar of almond butter for a few moments before I ran out the door.  Looking back, if there was any uphill battle I needed to fuel up for, it was that one. I should have been as alert and sharp as possible to navigate those hidden-agenda land mines and bureaucratic mêlées. But like many other things in my personal life, trips to the farmers market and recipe testing with B took a backseat to career and a million other things. I’m pretty sure most women know a thing or two about that.

Thankfully, this year I’m in a new role that affords me a far better work life balance. I feel like I’ve been slowly but surely reclaiming parts of myself and the kind of life that I feel best living. Getting 7-8 hours of sleep consistently for the first time in years has been truly earth-shattering.  I appreciate having the time to grocery shop and explore recipes and nourish myself and my husband again on a whole new level. That being said, with a full time workload and a puppy scampering around at my feet (in addition to the other typical responsibilities of a physically active, type-A, dutiful career woman and wife,) the need for fast and easy is ever-present.  

I’ve been really into “bowls” lately. A super-easy way to get protein, fiber, healthy fats and greens into every meal,  once you find a favorite sauce or dressing to tie it all together,  there are endless satisfying combinations . To minimize prep time during the busy work week, I mix up a few dressings, cook some protein and steam some broccoli or kale over the weekend. With only assembly and the addition of garnishes like fruit and nuts to tackle before enjoying, you might even find a few moments to get creative.  I know, I know. You’re probably thinking I’m making it sound far easier than it really is. And there is certainly some trial and error involved. But that’s what I’m here for!

I most often take inspiration from restaurant meals, gourmet grocery stores or even Whole Foods. And of course Pinterest! The first recipe I’ll share (below) was inspired by the glorious (but calorie dense) Sonoma Chicken Salad at Whole Foods. The days of eating it right out of the container for a lunch on the go are hopefully long gone. This is a very loose and much healthier interpretation, but you still get the best parts – the crunch of toasted nuts, burst of sweet from the grapes, and savory chicken.

Re-imagined Sonoma Chicken Salad (1 serving)

3 cups mixed greens or baby lettuces

1 cup arugula (the bitterness balances out the sweet grapes and dressing, but if you’re not a fan, just add more lettuce)

 1 scallion, thinly sliced

3-4 oz grilled chicken breast, chopped (or shredded paleo chicken breast from whole foods is yummy too)

1/3 cup red seedless grapes, halved

2 tablespoons pecans, chopped

Almond Honey dressing (below)

Almond Honey Dressing (2-3 servings)

¼ cup plus 2 tablespoons unsalted dry roasted almonds (or 3 tablespoons almond butter)

1 tablespoon avocado oil (or other mild salad oil)

3 tablespoons freshly squeezed orange juice

3 tablespoons water

2 teaspoons honey

¼ teaspoon `garlic powder

Salt and pepper to taste

1 teaspoon poppy seeds

1. Preheat oven to 350.
2. Put all dressing ingredients, excluding poppy seeds, in a blender and blend until smooth and creamy. Add poppy seeds and mix on low just until combined. Set aside.
3. Roughly chop pecans and place on a cookie sheet or sheet of foil in preheated oven until fragrant, about 5 minutes. Set aside to cool.
4. Toss greens with 1-2 tablespoons of the dressing. Arrange scallions, grapes and chicken atop the greens and drizzle with additional dressing. Sprinkle toasted pecans on top.
5. Enjoy!

Why do we so easily cast aside the simplest, easiest steps towards thriving? Eat well, sleep enough, be kind to yourself and others, and thrive. Eat almond butter out of the jar in the dark, sleep 4-5 hours, drive yourself into the ground, and whither. It’s not that complicated.

Here’s to being a little kinder to yourself, feeding your belly and fueling your happiness. 

Recipe: Warming Winter Bowl (Gluten, Grain and Dairy Free)

Every February, B heads to Europe for a week-long sales kickoff. Because his trip always falls on the heels of the fat-kid stretch between Thanksgiving and Valentine’s Day, I welcome the opportunity to use it as a mental and physical reset. I work out every day and cook supa-clean meals at home; write for hours on end and read at least one old lady book; maintain a delightfully tidy home with everything in its place; drink many varieties of hot tea and kombucha; and most importantly, enjoy the sound of sports-free silence for up to seven luxurious days (only interrupted by PBS and Scandal of course).  In essence, I live the life of an 80 year-old British spinster and love every second of it.

I of course miss B’s companionship and presence by the end of the week (which is usually when I realize how terribly boring I would be without him around). But this annual respite is still a relished time to focus on taking care of myself and addressing my needs and wants above all. A key part of doing so successfully is restoring balance to my diet and nourishing myself in a beautifully simple way (so there’s plenty of time to enjoy tea and books). Below is a new creation worth sharing; a cozy, comforting winter meal that emerged from this year’s week of self-love.

Warming Winter Bowl

Serves 2-3

Spiced Sweet Potato Hash

2 tablespoons refined coconut oil

2 small apples (Honey Crisp are my favorite, Braeburn is yummy too. Pick Pink Lady or even Granny Smith if you like apples a little more tart)

3 medium shallots (or 2 large)

1 medium - large sweet potato

1 teaspoon garam masala

1 teaspoon curry powder

¼ teaspoon cinnamon

Dash salt

Fresh ground pepper

Roasted Sprouts

½ small red onion

1 bag Shredded Brussels sprouts from Trader Joe’s

½ teaspoon garlic powder

½ teaspoon sea salt

1 tablespoon avocado oil (or your preferred roasting oil) 

Optional Garnishes:

1/4 cup raw pecans, chopped

3 tablespoons golden raisins, chopped

 

1.  Preheat oven to 425.
2. Chop apples and sweet potato into ¼ inch cubes and slice shallots into about 1/8” thick slices. Set aside.
3. Heat a cast iron skillet over medium-high heat (a non-stick skillet will work just fine too, but no need to warm ahead of time).
4. In a large bowl, toss Brussels sprouts and thinly sliced red onion (between 1/8 and ¼ inch thick) with avocado oil to coat. Add garlic powder and sea salt and stir to coat. 
5. Spread Brussels sprout mixture on a large cookie sheet coated with foil and roast for 10 minutes.
6. Add coconut oil to warm skillet and swirl to coat. Add apples, shallots and sweet potatoes; coat evenly with coconut oil. Sprinkle garam masala, curry powder, cinnamon, salt and pepper over hash and stir. Cover and cook for 10 minutes, stirring only once.
7. Stir Brussels sprouts at the 10 minute mark and return to the oven to cook for another 10-15 minutes (depending on how crispy you like your sprouts).
8. Remove lid from hash, stir and continue cooking uncovered for 10 more minutes or until apples and potatoes reach desired tenderness.
9. While hash is cooking, chop 8-10 ounces grilled chicken breast, or grab about 2 cups of my favorite shredded chicken breast recipe shown below, adapted from Clean Eats (I make this almost religiously on Sundays to have around for the week).
10. Toss the chicken in the skillet with your hash for the last minute or so of cooking. Be careful not to do this prematurely or you’ll end up with tough chicken – you just want to warm the previously cooked meat at this stage.
11. Serve hash and chicken over a bed of sprouts and sprinkle with pecans and raisins (optional). If you find the mixture a tad try, toss with a teaspoon of warmed coconut oil and add salt and pepper to taste.

Tip: If your hash needs a little more time than your sprouts, turn the oven off and leave the door ajar to allow some heat to escape before leaving them in the oven until your hash is ready. About
 

Shredded Chicken
2 lbs chicken breast
1 tablespoon onion powder
1 teaspoon thyme
1 teaspoon garlic powder
1 bay leaf
About 2 quarts of water (enough to cover chicken by ¼ inch)

1. Trim fat from chicken and cut each breast in ½.
2.  Place all ingredients in a pot, cover and bring to a boil. (Start peaking under the lid after about 7 minutes to ensure you see when it starts to boil – this will prevent overcooking).
3. When pot comes to a boil, reduce to a simmer over low heat and cook covered for 20 minutes.
4. Remove from heat. Remove lid and cool until chicken is just warm to the touch.
5. Transfer chicken to cutting board and shred by hand.
6. Cool completely and place in refrigerator in an air-tight container.

Venus Fly Trap

By January, everyone is ready for a reset button. Carrying around a few extra pounds, staring back at ruddy skin, and feeling lethargic get old after a while. Most people are anxious to return to pre-holiday form, as am I of course, but because weight management is a slippery slope for me, I have to be particularly mindful of the pressure I put on myself come the New Year. After years of torturing myself in January as punishment for a blissfully indulgent December, I finally learned that remedying one form of unhealthy with another, (extreme measures,) results in frustration at best and binging at worst.  

 

In the past few years, I’ve tried to ease myself back into a nourishing, clean diet by slowly decreasing artificial sugar intake and rich foods and simultaneously increasing simply prepared whole meals and snacks. We return to cooking at home more; inventive salads, fresh grilled fish and chicken and pureed vegetable soups fill the menu. When cravings strike, I do my best to remember the end game: clean diet = clean body=clear mind=strong and happy Liz.  If I slip up, I try like hell to avoid punishing myself with extra workouts or skimping on meals. I even write post-it notes on the inside of my bathroom mirror with messages like “be kind to yourself” or “health is fragile. Be gentile.”  The theme is positive reinforcement. The goal is that within a couple of weeks, my brain recognizes and feels the remarkable difference between a nourishing, clean diet and an overindulgent one. If I can be patient and focus on health above all, I start to truly feel why I’m mindful of nourishing my body first, and indulging second.

It all sounds quite simple and sensible, doesn’t it? Unfortunately, the reality is that after years of trying, I still can’t wrap the sins of the holidays up in a neat and tidy January package. It’s as if while my conscious self is focusing on the healthy path, there’s still that little voice deep inside me saying “don’t let that scale keep going in the wrong direction!” The fear of losing control slowly, quietly builds - it’s a seed that starts small and flourishes despite my refusal to water it. Even if I turn my back on it with intentions and healthy habits, it still grows into a Venus fly trap by the end of January.  I walk right into the trap and hit the release valve with a regretful night out or weekend of overindulgence, effectively burying a month of “right” with a mindless dose of “wrong.”

I stood in the shower Sunday morning, the scalding hot water bathing me in déjà vu. After a moment of searching my memory I realized that this was the 3^rd or 4^th January in a row when I’ve buckled under the same old self-imposed pressures right as the calendar turns to February.  I looked down at my toes and watched the water rush around them, feeling heavy and rooted to the porcelain tub like a statue.  In that moment, I wondered if the strength and wisdom and self worth I’ve worked so hard to arm myself with will always be as fluid as the water rushing at my feet – and if that ashamed chubby girl inside of me will remain as immovable as the feet beneath it. Will I ever be able to drown her out for good?

Irish Elf

I don’t like anything getting in the way of my holiday cheer. I’m a bit of a Christmas professional; I look at the month of December as something to prepare for, both mentally and physically. Each year, I aim to be rested, energized and in full holiday spirit by Thanksgiving. For a girl who works her butt off and lives thousands of miles from most of her family and childhood friends, I crave, love and enjoy the days between Thanksgiving and New Year’s like the proverbial fat kid does cake. I take pains to lighten my workload so I can maximize every opportunity to connect with much-missed loved ones, celebrate a year of hard work and soak up every ounce of goodwill and human kindness as fuel for the coming year.  There are a few things that threaten the sanctity of Christmastime though; regardless of how we plan for and enjoy the holidays, they still can be a source of stress and tension. If there’s one thing this Irish elf has learned, it’s that you’ve got to strike the right balance of precautionary measures and damage control to have a fulfilling season every year. Below are some tips and tricks that have proved increasingly valuable to me as I get older. Although some are almost ridiculously simple and, at first glance, intuitive, if you’re a woman, it’s highly likely you need to be reminded often of the importance of caring for yourself FIRST.

1.       Sleep. It’s supremely important. Lack of sleep affects our mood stability, cognitive ability, metabolism and in my experience, ability to maintain perspective. If you’re exhausted, find a way to get the rest you need. Ask for help, ship the kids off to the mall, and sedate your husband with wine if you have to. Just get your head on that pillow so you don’t feel like you’re wearing muddy glasses all month long instead of rose-colored ones. If you’re reaction to this recommendation is “Who has time for sleep?!” you probably need it more than anyone.  

2.       Eat. Nourish yourself. If you’re bouncing from daycare drop-off to work to the mall to the dry-cleaner to daycare to the grocery store before the sun sets, you need sufficient energy to power your body through the run-around and nourishment to keep you sane. Lots of healthy fats and proteins help do both. No need to make a gourmet meal, try making a smoothie the night before and grab it on your way out in the morning. (See below for a yummy Gingerbread Smoothie recipe I created this week!) Keep your purse, car, office stocked with raw unsalted nuts, fresh seasonal fruit, raw veggies and hummus, hard-boiled eggs, and other simple, whole, healthy snacks.

3.       Listen. Slow down long enough to respond to indications that you need a break or a moment for yourself. If you’re freaking out over lost scissors and Scotch tape, put the wrapping paper down and take a walk or draw a bath, but don’t wait until you’re past boiling point and freak out on the next caroler that rings your bell.

4.       Indulge mindfully. No one wants to deprive themselves during the holidays, but over-indulging will do as much damage as under-nourishing. Unless you want to put your mood and energy in a tailspin, go easy on the sugar and alcohol especially.  You’re far more likely to respond to stressful triggers if you eat every heavy appetizer put under your nose and wash them all down with chocolate martinis. Sugar cravings, binge-induced self-loathing and killer hangovers lead to holiday bulge, not holiday cheer.  Moderation is always more difficult for me this time of year, but when I can manage to be selective with my Christmas Party indulgences and balance them out with healthy, nourishing meals at home, I inevitably feel more energetic, stable and a little proud of myself too.

5.       Be kind. And gentle. If and when you’ve overdone it, don’t punish yourself by skipping meals or hammering a double cheeseburger. Your body needs the right amount, and right kind, of energy to flush out toxins after a night of eggnog and peppermint fudge. If you went to town on the greasy apps and drinks yesterday, be gentle on your system today. Skip coffee and aim for low – no added sugar. Start with a smoothie that has protein, healthy fats, fiber and greens in it in the morning. Try drinking green juices between small, simple meals like sautéed greens with grilled chicken breast or pureed vegetable soup with a small side salad. The more nutrient dense liquids you can consume the better – your taxed system will be able to absorb and replenish nutrients without having to work overtime.

In a (chest)nutshell, taking good care of yourself and being kind to your body (at least on most days) makes a difference in the way we experience life, and it can make a remarkable difference in the way we experience the holidays.  You’ll be far better equipped to handle the in-law landmine navigation, familial expectations and packed calendar if you put yourself in a position to enjoy the things that make all the hustle and bustle worth every cent and lost hour of sleep. No other time of year affords us as many opportunities to enjoy the life, family and friends with which we’ve been blessed. Why not ensure you can make the best of it?

Lizzie O’s Gingerbread Smoothie

1 Cup unsweetened plain almond milk
¼ Cup raw pecans
1 Scoop Plant Fusion plain protein (or other plain plant-based protein powder)
1 Cup baby kale or spinach
½ Tablespoon chia seeds
1 Teaspoon alcohol free vanilla extract (I love Frontier Naturals)
1 Tablespoon unsulfured black strap molasses
1 Teaspoon ground ginger
½ Teaspoon cinnamon
Pinch ground cloves
Pinch allspice

Combine all ingredients in a high speed blender (always start with wet ingredients at the bottom for easier blending.) Blend until spinach or kale is completely pulverized. Enjoy!

"Comfort" Smoothie and Product Recommendations

I am without a doubt an emotional eater. Always have been. Given the fact that I have a vagina, there's a good chance I always will be. With increased awareness around my tendency to bury emotions I can't handle in a pint of ice cream I can't digest, I've spent some time seeking out healthier "comfort foods."

Once in a while I create something that seems to yield an equal amount of instant gratification/comfort/release to Peanut M&Ms or Suzie Cake's Celebration Cake. I perfected this smoothie recipe over a particularly stressful 2 weeks this past summer, and the result was without a doubt, comfort on the tip of my tongue. (It also happens to have vegan protein, fiber, healthy fats and a super food!)

4 Oz Coconut water*
4 Oz Unsweetened plain almond milk*
1/2 Very ripe banana (peeled - I let a few bananas get really ripe then peel, half, individually wrap and freeze to make smoothie making as fast as possible!)
1Tbsp Jem Maca Almond Butter * (This stuff is like crack. It's worth finding or ordering online.)
1 Tbsp Frontier Naturals Alcohol Free Vanilla*
Dash Cinnamon
1 Tbsp Hemp protein*
1 Tbsp Pea protein*
1 Tbsp Chia seeds
Optional: 4 Drops alcohol free stevia* (this makes it pretty sweet)
Optional: Toss in a handful or 2 of spinach. You can't really taste spinach in smoothies, so why not!?

Put all ingredients in a blender and blend until smooth and creamy. Add more vanilla or stevia to taste, although you shouldn't need either if your banana is nice and ripe.


*PRODUCT RECOMMENDATIONS: Through a great deal of trial and error, sticker shock and nutrition label lament, I've found the healthiest, cleanest versions of the below ingredients. Keep in mind, home made or "whole" is always best, but let's be honest, we've got to do the best we can with the time we have!

• Where to Source: I've become obsessed with Vitacost.com. They ALWAYS undercut Whole Foods (not that hard,) Real Foods (San Francisco chain, so not that hard either) and often Amazon (I find that impressive!) on dried herbs and spices, prepared foods, supplements, extracts, teas and pretty much all non-perishable crunchy specialty goods.
• Almond Milk: I highly recommend finding a no-sugar-added almond milk with as short an ingredient list as possible. Engine 2 is my favorite brand, and 365 Organics is a close second. There's a terrifying amount of added sugar and funky fillers in a lot of the other brands out there so read your labels to avoid excess sugar and additives.
• Vanilla Extract: Laugh if you will, but I believe a good vanilla extract makes or breaks a lot of smoothies. Without high temperatures to cook off alcohol, using a regular extract can make your smoothies taste bitter, or worse, boozey. Go for an alcohol-free version for raw foods and smoothies, in my opinion Frontier Naturals is by far the best. Snag the 16 Oz. size on Vitacost.com - trust me, you'll need all 16 ounces once you discover how yummy it is.
• Stevia: There are a lot of stevia products on the market now and they are not all created equal. You want to be sure you purchase pure stevia root extract that isn't cut with other sweeteners. Again, I prefer alcohol free in raw foods and smoothies to avoid the bitter/boozey taste of the alcohol-based extracts. NuNaturals is my favorite brand for stevia.
• Vegan Proteins (when you aren't cleansing): My favorite "pure protein" powders are Navitas Naturals Hemp Protein (I find this is the least "chalky" of the plant based proteins out there) and Pea Protein (a little chalky, but relatively mild). They are both very low calorie and have few/no additives. 
• Vegan Proteins: (with added supplements for cleansing periods or to use in meal replacement shakes): Plant Fusion (Original) or Vega Chocolate Sport (I don't like Vega Vanilla - too artificial tasting)
• Coconut Water: This really is based on personal preference, (I prefer Zico,) but whatever you select, make sure there's no sugar or other fruit juice added)
• Almond Butter: For most of my smoothies, I love Once Again Crunchy or I'll settle for 365 Brand as a back-up. For "comfort smoothies" or sometimes as a treat on brown rice bread, I go for the Jem Maca Almond Butter. I can't begin to tell you how amazing this stuff is, you've got to try it yourself. Try to ignore the price in anticipation of raw food bliss. Even if its just one time ;)

Learning to Walk

Eating a clean, healthy diet rich in nutrients and full of well-balanced meals every single day is not easy. Anyone that tells you it's effortless is lying or wealthy enough to afford a personal shopper and chef.  But I will promise you this, it's well worth it and it does get easier. It's kind of like learning to walk. At first, you're a mess. You fall all over the place, you can't stop getting in your own way, you trip over your own feet. Similar to finding your balance as a child and learning to walk, eating healthy is eventually both liberating and rewarding. You just have to get past the part where you feel like a drunk who's stumbled out of his bar stool and been thrust out onto Wall Street at lunch time.

Constantly exploring new recipes and cuisines has really helped me "learn to walk." Expanding my repertoire makes it far easier to "stay on the wagon" for longer periods of time. I believe variety and a little adventure ensure modified diets don't feel like deprivation. You have to have fun, love what you're eating and feel truly satisfied after ever meal.

There has been a lot of trial and error (and many an epic failure) involved in building my personal book of crave-worthy recipes. replacing bad habits with good and developing new eating habits is difficult enough. Allow me to spare you the traumatizing moments with nutritional yeast by sharing some of my successes. This one is crave, drool and certainly leftover worthy!



Clean Program-Inspired Almond Crusted Chicken 

1 egg plus 2 tablespoons almond milk (unsweetened)

1 cup almond meal (pulse whole, dry-roasted, unsalted almonds in a food processer until you achieve texture in photo above)

1 teaspoon sea salt

1 teaspoon garlic powder

few dashes of paprika

1 large or 2 small boneless chicken breasts (1/2 - 3/4 pound)

Olive Oil

1. Preheat your oven to 425 and cover a baking sheet with foil. Spray the surface with olive oil mister (or other cooking spray)
2. Filet the chicken breasts
3. Beat egg with a fork in a medium bowl; add almond milk (use a bowl large enough to dip chicken filets in)
4. Combine the almond meal, sea salt and garlic powder in a large bowl 
5. Dip chicken in the egg/milk mixture and then in the almond mixture, until well coated
6. Place the filets on the baking sheet and drizzle lightly with olive oil
7. Bake for 6 minutes, rotate tray and bake for 6 more minutes
8. Cut into one of the filets to ensure it's fully cooked, (the thick almond coating can make it difficult to feel for doneness.)
9. Serve over a salad of mixed greens + 1/4 avocado with oil and vinegar or with sautéed swiss chard!

Chocolate Cherry Crack Shake

When I want to prove exactly how delicious, satisfying, energizing and crave-worthy my healthy shakes can be, this is what I whip up to turn even the harshest critic (B) into a believer. I feel like Superwoman when I start my morning with the perfectly balanced combination of protein, healthy fats, fiber and greens. Nourishing your body and mind sets the tone for the day in a way simply nothing else can.

B had one sip of this and said "Jesus. There's spinach in that? And that goofy hippy protein powder too?" I chose not to mention the other "goofy hippy stuff" at that moment, but even now that he knows what's in there, he still asks for it at least once a week. Now that is a good shake.


Liz's Triple C Shake

1 Cup unsweetened almond milk (I like 365 Brand or Engine 2 is the best)

1 Cup frozen dark sweet cherries

1-2 Tablespoons plain unsweetened almond butter (Also like 365 Brand) 

1 Teaspoon ground cinnamon

1 Teaspoon vanilla extract (I prefer alcohol free)

1-2 Tablespoons raw cacao (Navitas Naturals is a great brand if you can't find cacao in your health food store bulk bins. Note: If you add Vega Chocolate protein powder per below, start with 1 tablespoon raw cacao)

1 Scoop Vega chocolate protein powder (or Plant Fusion unflavored protein powder is my 2nd go-to)

1-2 Cups fresh spinach

1 Tablespoon chia seeds

Optional: 1 Teaspoon Spirulina. Skip this the first time you make it though, SP can "dirty" up the gorgeous flavor of this shake

 

Throw everything in a blender in the order listed above (or in any order if you have a Vitamix, lucky dog) and blend until smooth. Enjoy!

Screw Hunger! (More on the Clean Program)

I can’t starve myself. No matter how pretty the book jacket, handsome the doctor or cute the packaging, if deprivation is at the core of a regimen or lifestyle, it’s not going to work long-term for me or anyone else with a beating heart. Unless you’ve got a little crack stash in your purse, you won’t fare well with hunger. Take it from someone who tried it first in the 6th grade, and then again in high school, and probably a few times in college – hunger equals failure. Trust me, I was 30 pounds heavier (sometimes a little more) when I screwed around with deprivation. It messes with your mind and your metabolism. And it makes you a little sad.  Or permanently pissed off. Either way, not worth it.

The Clean Program isn’t exactly a piece of cake, but it’s a hell of a lot easier than being hungry or frustrated with unexplained physiological changes. You have to wrap your head around a few temporary habits (most notably, the absence of chewing in the morning and at night) and hopefully adjust to some that will become new lifestyle choices. The “holy shit” moments when you discover what has been causing heart burn or constipation or mood swings for 15 years make the uncomfortable moments well worth it. You might get a few headaches or be inconsolable every morning when you first ditch the coffee, but in return for your sacrifice you get a front row seat to the most engrossing science experiment you can imagine.  It was fascinating to watch what was happening to my body as I removed all the gunk that was clouding my self-awareness during recovery and in some cases, for years before. In the end I enjoyed an unprecedented level of clarity around the interdependent relationship between food, alcohol, sleep, stress, exercise and elimination that I pray I don’t lose as time wears on.

You begin with an elimination period, during which you remove common allergens and toxic triggers including gluten, dairy, nightshades, corn, soy, peanuts, red meat, processed meats, alcohol, sugar and more. (I know you’re thinking “what the hell can I eat?!” Put down the Cheetos and read the book before freaking out. ) Your next step is to transition to liquid meals in the morning and evening. You’ll be surprised by how fulfilling these high protein, high (good) fat, high fiber, extremely nutrient dense smoothies and soups are. You can have fresh juices in between “meals” and snacks like apples with almond butter or raw veggies and hummus if you need more. Your solid meal (at lunch) might be grilled chicken with mango and wild rice (a favorite of mine) or lamb skewers with apple and onion (another favorite.)

The first few days will range from a little tough to terribly miserable, depending on how many toxins are in your pre-existing diet. I have an uncommon amount of allergies and because I don’t love acne, rashes and weeks of constipation, I avoid dairy, gluten and processed foods as much as I can stand to. The first 3 days for me mostly included sugar cravings, random sneezing fits and a desperate need for naps I obviously didn’t have the time to take. I also missed chewing a lot in days 2-3. Beyond that, the “withdrawal period” was kind of like PMS – inconvenient and irritating, but not life-altering. If you are used to 3 cups of coffee every morning, 2 glasses of wine every night, pizza or burger lunches followed by afternoon fro-yo, a cigarette or two after dinner and ice cream in front of the TV before bed, you might have black-outs and seizures in the withdrawal period. That may or may not be an exaggeration, but if that’s your jumping off point, the first few days will be more difficult for you than they are for people that have healthier, cleaner habits to begin with.  Just sayin.

While you’re eating amazing whole foods like fresh fruits and veggies, seeds, nuts, quinoa, wild game, fish and more and drinking unexpectedly satisfying smoothies and soups, you take some supplements and drink beverages like lemon water or “Natural calm” to help the process along. You’re also to ensure you get enough sleep, hydrate well, exercise more moderately, poop every day, and always leave a 12 hour window between your last meal of the previous day and your first meal of the day. You’re also encouraged to do some optional activities that help your body cleanse, restore and rejuvenate its systems. Meditation, massages, laughter, wellness education, journaling, and more massages were my favorite additions. In essence, you take amazing care of yourself for about a month. It’s a total labor of love - just for you.

Along the way you’ll likely experience peculiar side-effects that are less bothersome and more encouraging. They underscore the effects of what we consume on our bodies and almost restore your faith in the theories as you move forward. I was like a poster child for the mild side-effects and I freakishly enjoyed that. It validated what I was doing and made me feel increasingly excited for what came next. If the book was so right about the wild vivid dreams, headaches, and sleep patterns, those stories about the glowing skin, energy surges, clockwork regularity, mood stabilization and clarity must be true too! And they were.

By the end of the Clean Program, I felt healthier, stronger, more in control of my body and more comfortable in my own skin than I ever have. Yes, I’ve done a lot of prep work over the past 10 years, but I believe the program pushed me over the threshold to a new level of feeling in tune with my physical and emotional needs. It gave me the nudge I needed to return to being kind to myself, inside and out. The lymphatic swelling I’ve had in my right leg for over 2 years dissipated to almost nothing. Miraculously, the spinal and peripheral nerve pain I’ve grown accustomed to was reduced to a quiet hum at worst. My digestion has finally become as predictable as my morning alarm. I left the house one morning and turned to B and said “my skin hasn’t looked this good since I was a baby.” I was very serious. He agreed. My hair and nails felt stronger, my skin tighter. The puffiness under my eyes went away, as did the lingering water retention and bloat I experience from cheating with dairy and wheat. I could go on and on.

Trust the “tried everything once former fat kid.” There are no quick fixes with weight loss or whatever it is that ails you. There are band-aids, yes, but the most logical, intuitive approaches to wellness are the ones that will work long term. Whether or not you decide to try the Clean Program, start with small changes and build upon them at a pace that is comfortable for you. Do the best that you can with the body you were born with, the resources you have access to and the means at your disposal. Set realistic but ambitious goals so you aren’t setting yourself up to fail but you feel triumphant and proud of yourself when you reach milestones or start to feel the benefits of your healthier choices. Whatever you do, make a commitment to yourself. Ultimately, that’s what it’s all about. Commitment. If you can manage to honor a commitment to your mental and physical well-being at least most of the time, the rest will follow. It really will.

Clean Program Part 2

I ordered “Clean” by Dr. Alejandro Junger on Amazon and began reading it within a few days. By the time I picked up that book, it had been 8 months since surgery, my wedding was 3 months away, I was still in pain every day and my body simply did not feel like my own. I wanted to dance at my wedding without fearing the price I might pay for a twist or dip into my fiancé's arms. I wanted to feel like myself again and eliminate the temptation of old familiar habits and comforting myself with food. I was sick of feeling weak and vulnerable. I had a lot of healing to do.  I remember reading the book’s subtitle, “The Revolutionary Program to Restore the Body’s Natural Ability to Heal Itself” and thinking, “yes please.”

The book opens with powerful stories of healing and dramatic health changes that were surprising enough to me to inspire nothing but skepticism at first. But I kept reading (I was really in that “I’ll try anything” place,) and eventually I got to a point where I kept nodding my head at the book like a weirdo (by myself on the bus,) or widening my eyes with childlike excitement (which B found rather entertaining.) Once I got through enough of the anecdotal evidence, read about Dr. Junger’s personal experiences with stress, diet and lifestyle, and skimmed over the familiar basics on toxicity, I thought “Jesus. This makes a lot of sense.” (Full disclosure: you’re not going to politically or philosophically agree with everything the guys says. And in my opinion, you don’t have to. That would just be bizarre. But try to keep an open mind and entertain the idea that he is on to something.)  

In summary, Dr Junger’s theory is that we create a war zone in our bodies by consuming processed, inflammatory, acidic  - or in a nutshell, harmful – food and beverages. Then we slather synthetic, funky stuff on top of our bodies, in our hair, on our faces. Throw in toxic substances in our homes (cleaning products, etc,) coming out of our cars and in the air we breathe. Our bodies spend so much energy fighting all these internal, external and environmental battles, that we are ill-equipped to face disease, illness, stress or even silly things like food poisoning. We’re a bunch of sad sacks with overwhelmed bodies and overwhelmed minds. 

“Clean” challenges you to remove as many of the above barriers to overall health and well-being over a 21-30 day process that requires mindfulness, discipline and focus.  Wipe your slate clean so you can have a clear, unadulterated understanding of what your body and mind need to operate as the well-oiled machine it is intended to be. Help the machine "remove, restore and rejuvenate" through a series of pretty simple behavior modifications. Sacrifice a bunch of crap your body doesn’t need anyway; instead nourish it with bold, bright, beautiful fruits and vegetables and wonderful things like wild game and ancient grains. Go easy on yourself while your body is doing the hard work of purging years of Twinkie plaque and ice cream mucus. Help the process along with long walks, steams, meditation, massages, plenty of sleep and rest.  Emerge  feeling like a superhero. Yes, a superhero. That is the only way to describe how I started to feel by day 6. There is no other word that could communicate the combination of energy, clarity, happiness and empowerment that this process yielded for me.

But, as is the case with anything worth anything in life, it isn’t easy. Or cheap. Or comfortable. Or fast. But boy does it work.

Next up: The Dirty Details and Why They’re Worth Dealing With (You didn’t think I’d be all “sunshine and roses” about it did you?)

The Clean Program: Part 1

Most of us are completely out of touch with our bodies. We’ve been drowning out the signals sent by our digestive and nervous systems for so long that it’s become difficult to isolate what ails us, and almost impossible to define solutions.  Every day, a million different factors stand between us and our optimal state of well-being. Work, stress, lack of sleep, familial and social demands, personal issues, poor diets and more prevent us from feeling strong, healthy and clear minded. We seem to save money and make time for everything and anything except what’s most important – proactively caring for ourselves.

To some people, recovery from spinal surgery might feel like a game of Chutes and Ladders crossed with a painfully slow round of Monopoly. To me, a physically and socially active, hard-working, always multi-tasking woman, it was more like water boarding. About 8 months after having back surgery, I was frustrated not only with the unexpected duration but with my inability to stay on track with my usual healthy diet and exercise routine throughout recovery. I tried like hell to keep my chin up and to keep perspective, but at times recovery felt like an endless stretch of undulating pain and frustration marked with milestones too small and far between to bear.  Just when I started to feel like myself again, I would have some setback or surge in nerve pain that sent me right to the Peanut M&M’s or if it was bad enough, Suzie cakes. I could have taken pain killers and zoned out in front of the TV, but that simply wasn’t an option for me. Instead I engaged in a tug-of-war with my pain and recovery – refusing to let it take anything away from me and demanding cupcakes as consolation.

I tried to ride it out with a smile on my face. God did I try. But the inconsistent results of my consistent focus and determination left me in uncharted territory. I felt completely and utterly powerless and that is not a position I do well in. I did my best to avoid old habits every time the pain crept back up or kept me awake at night, but as work intensified through the winter and my wedding countdown began, it became increasingly difficult to resist comforting myself with food (and then punishing myself with exercise or restricted eating.) I couldn’t wrap my head around the fact that I couldn’t fix myself and move on. For the first time in years, there were days when I was dangerously close to crossing the line between that weakened, vulnerable state and self-destructive. At a time in my life when I needed to be more in tune with my bodies needs than ever, I simply couldn't afford to wrap myself in the ironically suffocating comfort of old familiar habits. I knew I needed to do something dramatically different to pull myself out before I got in any deeper. I had come too far to sink back into those muddied waters.

I voiced my need to get back on track for good to a close girlfriend of mine after a weekend of debauchery in LA. She immediately suggested I look into the Clean Program. I entered the name into my phone's note pad and strolled out of the airport. Little did I know her recommendation would not only get me back on track with my diet and well-being, it would reduce my pain to almost non-existent, remedy some other minor nagging issues I had previously dealt with and most importantly, give me a sense of clarity and perspective I have never experienced before.

Take THIS Gwyneth Paltrow!

Anyone that’s ever read my blog knows that I’ve struggled a great deal throughout my life with body image and food issues. I was a chubby little girl, a fat kid, an overweight adolescent and a “curvy” young adult. I’ve shared some funny stories and made many a joke about my “fat kid days” now that I have created distance between that person and the one that is writing this, but the self loathing that tainted much of my youth and young adulthood was far from funny.

I have a great deal of empathy and compassion for any woman who struggles with loving her body or being kind to herself. I know how crippling and consuming it can be when you’re your own worst enemy. I know how much time, energy and education it takes to break the seemingly unending cycle with weight struggles. I understand that it takes a commitment to yourself and loved ones to get to a place where you can manage to treat yourself well as life propels you forward through each day as a student, career woman, wife, caretaker, sister, friend and everything in between.

When I moved to California I met a man who saw me the way I wanted to see myself. I also found myself in a place that made it tremendously easy to discover new ways to feel healthy and strong. That man and this place helped me realize that I could view myself and the world through a different lens.  They helped me see that I deserved to be happy. Somewhere around that time, I finally decided to be kinder to myself inside and out.

Now don’t get me wrong, I made that decision, but that doesn’t mean that I’m always successful. I’m still totally an emotional eater – you’ll find me on any airplane ride away from my sisters or best friends with a big bag of peanut M&M’s and usually some Swedish fish too.  I still have moments when I freak out over gaining a few pounds, even though I know by now that everything evens out eventually. Oh and I have to talk myself off a ledge when my pants get too tight. I don’t wake up hugging myself and smiling at my tummy rolls every day. But regardless of the peaks and valleys, one thing has remained a constant on this long and winding road to self love and acceptance. I ALWAYS continue to educate myself. I figure that if I can take one lesson away from every battle, if I can collect scalps of those bastard demons along the way, then I will be stronger and tougher and better to myself with each passing day.  (As disgusting as the mention of scalps is, it is an appropriate reference given how ugly things can get when you go to war with yourself.)

20 years of different diets and exercise regimes , 2 nutritionists, a naturopath, an acupuncturist, a Chinese herbalist, 3 douche bag therapists, a mean pediatrician, a dermatologist, a kid who moo’d at me in math class, endless books, blogs, magazines, diet gurus, yoga teachers, a few months in an outpatient program, some more books and the unconditional love of one man and one city morphed me into an open, honest, compassionate, very real, very well informed “health foodie.”  I’m like Gwyneth Paltrow with a sense of humor, saddle bags, a fat kid past and a little humility. I may not have her money, private chef, dedicated Pilates instructor and kids with “creative” names, but I do have a rock star husband. He just can’t sing like Chris Martin.

Although there’s no Gwyneth-style book in the works, I am going to start sharing more of the information, resources and lessons I’ve learned on my “try not to hate yourself for loving peanut M&M’s” journey. My girlfriends love hearing the tips and tricks that make eating and living healthy a little more manageable for your average Gwyn, and I love sharing. I just can’t fight it anymore; this kind of thing is simply my wheelhouse.

Your Body is FOR Something

I've learned quite a bit about being kinder to myself and my body over the past 10 years. I've fought long and hard to get to a place where I value strong over thin, well-being over good-looking. I still have moments, days, weeks though where I catch myself determining too much of my self-worth with physical appearance. Sometimes what frightens me is that it's become more of an undertone – an old demon that sneaks through the door when I'm more vulnerable due to major life changes or curveballs that I struggle to handle with grace.

I'm at the tail end of a particularly challenging few months. A few days ago, I went to bed feeling gross after eating a big piece of cake and woke up still feeling gross. I started that day with about 15 minutes of "Ew. I'm so bloated and squishy." And then I caught a glimpse of the newly formed scab at the base of my spine and was tempted to slap myself across the face.

I had back surgery 5 weeks ago yesterday. I was in pain ranging from moderate discomfort to mind-twisting, so-bad-I-wanted-to-vomit-pain for 3 months before the surgery. During those 3 months, there were many sleepless nights; countless frustrating, disoriented days when I couldn't sit or stand or lie down regardless of how exhausted I was. They finally did an MRI after various tried and failed courses of treatment including oral steroids, 2 corticosteroid locals, physical therapy, active release therapy and 10 days of mind-erasing pharmaceuticals when the pain became beyond unbearable. The MRI revealed I had snapped a 2 cm hunk of my L4-5 disk off and the “extrusion” had entered my spinal canal. That sucker was big enough to force my spinal nerves to re-route around it. Thus the pain from which there was no relief. I was told it had to come out. I said "Great. Find me a fancy-ass surgeon and let's do this."

They put me under for 3.5 hours, went in through a 1.5 inch incision, parted the muscles around my spine, set a rod on the bony nob and entered the spinal canal through that rod to remove the 2 cm piece of crap that tortured me for 3 months. The surgery was a success. I wasn’t paralyzed or blinded in the process; no permanent nerve damage that we know of. I spent one night in the hospital and have had a totally manageable recovery so far – thanks to my loving, attentive B and a wonderful support system of friends, family and colleagues. I can walk. I’m alive and healthy. I have good healthcare that gave me access to the right doctors. I’m not going nuts from nauseating levels of pain anymore. I can sleep through the night. I will be able to eventually return to Pilates and yoga and should have full feeling in my leg and foot within the year. My favorite part of it all? I got to watch B enthusiastically embrace the roll of caretaker, homemaker, nurse, chef, and advocate. He is definitely going to be the one the kids run to in the middle of the night.

After all that, it took me less than 5 weeks to start worrying about my weight. As if that’s important. I can walk for Christ’s sake. I have everything and everyone I need in my life to be happy, healthy, fulfilled.

I may not have internal meltdowns after putting on too-tight pants anymore. I might be able to go for months at a time without obsessing about my stomach or getting anxious about my weight. But in my 5th week after back surgery, I caught myself doing the same “rib check” I used to do 15 years ago. It’s amazing how you can come so far and then have moments where it’s as if nothing has changed at all. I was immediately ashamed of wasting my thoughts on such trivial observations. But knowing they don’t belong there doesn’t stop the same old demons from sneaking through the back door.

The day I found myself forgetting all I was reminded of through the back ordeal, I asked myself how I had made it all the way to 30 without freeing myself from the encumbrances of associating self-worth with appearance. How is it that all the fighting and therapy and clawing my way to a better state of mind only results in temporary pardons? How the hell do I forget in less than 5 weeks that being kind to myself and kind to my body is far more important that being skinny?

I am an intelligent, confident, well-rounded, well-educated woman. I am strong and sometimes even wise. But none of that matters. What matters is that I am human. Body image and weight issues are sentences that no modern woman manages to entirely elude. We all deal with them at some point in our lives to varying degrees - whether we have the guts to admit it or not. The best thing we can do for ourselves is find self-worth in any and every other place. And as my dear friend Jenna says, try to remember that your body is FOR things far more valuable than looking good in a bikini.

My Dirty Little Secret

My best friend recently told me about an article she read in Self magazine that claims 75% of women “eat, think and behave abnormally around food.” The moment I heard that quote was the first time I even considered that there might be a lot of women out there like me - women who aren’t quite “normal” about food but aren’t severely disordered eaters either. Floating somewhere in between the two classifications meant my relationship with food was a sizeable source of stress and depression from the age of ten right on through my early twenties. I had no idea there was anyone else out there hiding the same kind of skeletons (or Fruit Roll-Ups) in their closets.

I grew up knowing I was fat and knowing it was my own damn fault. Not having the willpower to lose weight and win a war with what I thought should have been an insignificant demon became increasingly shameful. When you’re 10 and you’re the only kid to weigh more than your teacher, you naturally assume you’re the only one who’s having a secret love affair with Twix bars. So you eat them when no one’s around and you don’t openly discuss how much you look forward to your date with those crunchy cookie-candy delights after school. As an adolescent with a freakishly large chest (mostly attributed to being overweight,) you don’t ask the girls at your sleepover if they worry about being too fat as they pull your bra out of the freezer. When you’re a teenager and you don’t see any of your 100 pound friends eating big bowls of ice cream after dinner, you’re pretty sure you’re the only gal in the group who has a hard time fighting the urge to eat a gallon of mint chip at a time. You don’t talk about how hard it is to love everything a girl like you shouldn’t have and definitely doesn’t need during 90210 commercial breaks. Before you know it, you’re 25 and you think you’ve changed until you realize you’re too uncomfortable to eat that second cookie in front of the love of your life, so you wait until he gets into the shower go back for one more.

When I moved out to California at the age of 23, I had managed to wildly complicate one of the few things in life that can and should be beautifully simple. By that time, I had long since decided it was beyond pathetic to toil over my relationship with food. I knew people would pay to trade real ailments or far bigger mountains for my silly little molehill. I knew I was smarter and better than waging war against myself over and over again. I knew I ultimately would have the make the choice to be kinder to myself and my body. By 23, I still couldn’t ever do that for more than a month or two at a time. There were often glimpses of hope throughout college, mostly thanks to a shockingly accepting group of women, but then it seemed to be only a matter of time before I slipped back into old habits. As a grown woman, that inability to change was just another thing to feel guilty about and another reason to keep most of what I was going through to myself. It was embarrassing enough to be so caught up in weight, body image and food issues, but being so utterly predictable was terribly shameful to me. The more ashamed I was, the more I tried to control myself. The more I tried to control myself, the more I lost control. The more I lost control, the more I felt I needed to punish myself for it. The longer I was wrapped up in this cycle, the more I kept the details to myself.

When I met B and fell in love with him, for the first time in my life I started thinking about someday being a wife and mother. I wanted to be able to build a happy, balanced life with him; I knew if I was ever going to do that, I needed to do some re-building of my own. I went back to a therapist and started educating myself about ways to reframe my relationship with food and change my patterns of thinking. As the cliché saying goes, I started focusing more on the solutions and less on the problems. I realize now that as a child, I spent too much time feeling sorry for myself. When I was a teenager, I didn’t try hard enough with diet or exercise. And once a young woman, I didn’t fight like I meant it. Falling in love left little room for self-indulgence and self-pity. B’s passion for life left little time for lethargy. A man like him makes you want to fight harder for a lot of things.

I’ve spent the past 5 years of my life learning to see food as a source of nutrition, life and joy. Some days are easier than others. Most days are a bit of a challenge to some degree, because slipping into old habits in the face of stress, sadness or pressure is easy. I’ve broadened my horizons and learned to love different kinds of foods for different reasons. I allow myself a little something sweet every day, but try to stick with fruit or “guilt free” options during the week. I’ve come to appreciate the beautiful colors, textures and smells of a farmers market or kitchen counter covered with fresh and healthy ingredients waiting to be chopped, sliced and combined. I’ve found joy in creating something delicious and nourishing for my B with my own hands and a little creativity.

I’m still very apprehensive of eating too much and gaining weight though. I eat as many vegetables as I can every day, because it’s the one food group I enjoy and feel no guilt for consuming. I have a tough time stepping out of my comfort zone – which is characterized by a pretty controlled diet and some “get out of jail free cards” on the weekends. I probably pay too much attention to proper serving sizes, nutrient density, replacement options and health benefits. I have to remind myself not to put excessive thought or time into ensuring meals are well balanced with lean protein, vegetables, whole grains and vitamins and minerals. I often count calories in my head or on a sticky pad. I don’t stress as much as I used to about too many nights out at San Francisco’s wonderful restaurants- but I shoot for small portions of everything and even then, dining out seldom goes unpunished. (I add extra workouts into my already pretty rigorous routine for pizza, cheeseburgers, decadent deserts.) I often check menus online to identify healthy choices ahead of time too. I still catch myself saving up for things like vacations or Thanksgiving (banking.) I don’t like being put into situations where I have little to no healthy choices (French prix fix, weddings, company parties,) and dread being put into situations where I LOVE all the unhealthy choices (anytime cupcakes or champagne refills are free flowing.) I still feel a little self-conscious admitting the aforementioned, because as far as I have come in 5 years, it’s clearly not quite far enough.

When I look around at dinner parties, in restaurants, at work – women of all shapes and sizes seem to be so casual about making meal choices and enjoying what’s put in front of them. I’ve never noticed friends looking anxiously at menus for guilt-free options or taking pause to tally calories consumed plus approximate calories in a menu selection. I’ve never seen the same disappointed expressions on my sisters’ faces after they’ve eaten a few too many bites of that chocolate cake. I’ve always doubted my colleagues dread business lunches at steak houses because they’re anticipating necessary counteraction to a heavy meal. So you tell me. Are there a lot of women out there like me?

Moose Knuckle

Sometimes I put my pants on in the morning and notice that they feel a bit tighter than I would like them to.  My immediate reaction is always the same - something along the lines of, "F*ck."  I try to reign in any negative thoughts about my apparent weight gain, lack of self control, etc. before my mind gets away from me, but usually that feeling of disappointment and those too-tight pants are on my mind all day.

I walk to work thinking, "Are they tighter in the thigh too? Oh God. They are tighter in the thigh!" I sit down at my desk and think, "Now I know nothing spilled over in the love handle area last time I wore these pants. Sh*t. I've totally put on a few pounds. Damn baking!" Sometimes I'll try to rationalize my way away from self loathing, because that is never a fun way to start one's day. If I'm in an otherwise good mood, I'll consider that forces other than my own weak will may be to blame for my too-tight pants. I'll think "Hmmm, I did just dry clean these pants," or, "I guess it's about that time in my cycle when I tend to get a little bloated."

I get mad at myself, go through a little denial, get mad at myself again and then I usually come back to a more rational place where I shake my head at myself and feel a little ashamed that I've wasted so much time and energy being concerned with the fit of my pants and whether or not I've gained a few pounds. I mean who cares? (Only I do.) Does it really matter in the grand scheme of things? (No, obviously not.) Do I not trust that I wont turn back into an overweight, squishy, chubby little kid? (This isn't a good indication that I have any faith in myself.) Are there not more consequential things I should concern myself with? (Absolutely.) Am I really this vain? (Yes.)

I always try to shake off all the negativity, maybe with a lap around the office or a few minutes of fresh air. But when I get up from my desk, I inevitably notice the pants are undoubtedly too tight. And if I'm really lucky, they give me a moose knuckle. Now that is no way to start the day.

"Moooooooo"

It was the first week of September, the first week of 5th grade. The summer heat was still forcing its way through the gaps between the warped wooden sills and the bottoms of the heavy, paned glass windows in the second floor classroom. It was after lunch and the sun remained high in the sky, fighting its way through the web of oak leaves that tickled the outside of the glass. The air in the small classroom was thick and unmoving; there was no breeze to carry relief down the rows of restless 5th graders. The weight of the muggy weather and the recent meal must have stifled what little energy my classmates had - beyond the shuffle of little feet on the red and white linoleum floor and the shifting of bodies damp with sweat, there were few sounds competing for attention.

The first thing to break the silence was barely discernable at first. It sounded much like a harmless “hum” coming from the back of the room and yielded no obvious reaction from the class. But each utterance was louder and more pronounced than the one before – and it became clear within a moment or two that the boy in the back was articulating his best farm animal impression. By the time the entire class, teacher included, understood that it was not a hum coming from his barely parted lips, but a “moo” instead, I had long since realized what was happening.

I knew right from the first “mmmmmm” that the boy was in fact mooing and that his taunting was directed at me. The day before, I may not have been so sure. The day before, I wasn’t yet ashamed or painfully aware of my weight. But that morning, we had all enjoyed the privilege of being weighed in front of each other as part of our fall check-up with the school nurse. I was the only student to outweigh our teacher, who stood about 2 feet taller than the average 10 year old, by about 5 pounds. “Mr. Moo” had been one of 5 lucky children in my class to witness that proud accomplishment. Before that day in 5th grade, I have no recollection of thinking there was anything wrong with me - but the soft chuckles that bounced off the cold plaster walls as I stepped off the scale that morning made me think very differently.

I don’t know why the opportunity for taunting hadn’t escalated to a full blown “laughing and pointing” moment until that afternoon. I don’t know why the teacher’s reaction was languorous – or if it only felt like an eternity had passed before she realized what was happening and expelled the little bastard to the hallway. I don’t remember any of the students’ individual reactions to the mooing, or if they could see the poorly contained embarrassment seeping out of the corners of my eyes.

What I do remember about that day, with uncanny clarity, is feeling deeply ashamed of myself for the first time. I remember how a consuming, suffocating awareness of how others saw me poured in through the windows and the door and came down from the ceiling and through the cracks in the walls. It surrounded me and dripped down my back and gathered at the back of my knees. It sat in the pit of my stomach and climbed up my throat and into my mouth and sat on my tongue. I choked on it for a moment and had to remind myself to breathe.

I filled the day’s remaining minutes that crept by like sludge creeping uphill by making promises. I promised myself that I would never again be so unaware of my body, so blind to my corpulence. I promised I would be the first to identify my inadequacies, the first to find any cracks in my armor that could bring a similar vulnerability or exposure. And I promised I would work tirelessly to rid myself of those imperfections before they could be cause of anymore jest.

What foolish promises those were to make. What a futile effort I committed myself too – and all in pursuit of an unattainable goal. It may have taken 15 years, but I eventually learned that no good would ever come of that exhaustive routine of self-improvement. I know now that nothing positive can come from an attempted eradication of imperfections. Flaws are what make us who we are. Shortcomings and weaknesses make us real. Learning to work with them is what makes us strong - not hiding them or ridding ourselves of them. No one is or ever will be perfect in every way. And if accepting that makes me a little bit of a cow in the end, then “moooooooooooooooooooooooooo.”